Decoding an Indian Wedding

The title says it all. I thought of doing an entire series of blogs. Then I realised what's the point? We guys know way too much about weddings already. The plannings, the rituals, the planning rituals. Especially us North Indians, we don't care who the president of the country is but we all know "phere par to yaar sirf gharwale hee hote hain!"

So to keep it short, this is the only blog page I will continue updating. Oh also, I am getting married within a month. I will whine and rant as well as share insights and experiences (even though nobody takes my advice seriously). When I won't be busy hyperventilating, I will be spreading some weddingy cheer here, my online wedding journal.

#3 Pre-wedding photography: I can't give you money, here is your exposure

The only thing I am thankful for in life is I have so many photographer friends. Nope they are not some punters with a DSLR but real professional photographers with real skill and talent. The thing I don't have is MONEY, to pay for my pre-wedding shoot. Hence, exploit! *evil laughter fills the bathroom*. They have often complained about clients saying things to them like "we cannot give you money but we'll give you exposure". I feel you bros! 

I am still trying to grasp the concept of a pre-wedding photoshoot. Though I have recently come across some really beautiful pre-wedding shoots with a lot of energy and joy yet something doesn't seem right. One of the partners always has that 'why me?' expression. It's like 'yes baby, of course I am having fun' yet *dying of embarrassment inside*. But then again, who am I to judge? Afterall, I am just a snarky cynical social media junkie. 

So while contemplating for my pre-wedding shoot decision, these were the different stages I went through:

Photos taken before wedding 
We have been dating for a few years now, and since we have lived in the same city and hung out with each other a lot, we have a million photos together, some natural, some super-posed and mostly selfies (obviously). So pre-wedding photography?

Confusion
Does it make sense to hire someone to take some cheesy "romantic" completely awkwardly Bollywood fairytale-ish posed photos of the 2 extremely weird people that we both are? Awkward, awkward, awkward.

Is it real? 
Where did the concept of a pre-wedding photo shoot come into being? Like a lot of other "western" nuptial traditions we have quietly adopted and Indianised, is this one of them? 

Let me Google
I tried to look for its origin online but didn't really find any intel on the whys and whats of PWP. There, however, used to be published engagement pictures over a century ago for engagement announcement in local newspapers. So it is a relatively new trend. Okay.

Should I?
If it is a new trend, and will continue for a while, will we as a couple, miss out on something very important if we do not participate? Tell me AM I MISSING OUT ON ANYTHING? TELL ME!

I am still trying to make up my mind, do we want this celebrated pre-wedding candied (is the spelling right?) photo shoot. But are we ready to sell our souls to pay for it? Or we just do this:

Awkward Vearmas are Awkward

#2 Marriage vs Wedding

Couple ya Coup?

"Aap meri marriage par zaroor aana! Apni poori family ke saath aana!"

*stomach begins to churn* *brain starts to burn* *the need to smash my head suddenly rises*

Marriage: (according to Google)
the legally or formally recognized union of two people of the different or same sex as partners in a relationship (though the only accepted communion in our country is of a man and a woman).

Wedding: (Yes, Google said it, don't look at me)

a marriage ceremony, especially considered as including the associated celebrations.

These 2 words often interchangeably used, but nope THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING! ARGHHHH!

Okay. Now the question nobody asks themselves is whether they want to get married or do they just want a wedding. Because often than not nobody seems to see beyond the flower studded car. Correctly represented by the fade to black at the end of Uncle Studio wali shaadi ki CD when the doli departs from the venue. Rest becomes a mediocre, uninteresting, nobody-gives-a-shit-about-until-you-begin-breeding history.

Weddings are all about pretty things, family reunions, more reasons to hang out with friends and a whole experience full of warm, fuzzy and mixed feelings.
Marriage is real. It is up to me and him to either make it kick ass or let it fizzle out just the way we are constantly reminded it does. Wow just the kind of pep talk I need a few weeks prior!

I am also told that there is just one wedding day where I need to look my best. But what about the rest of the thousands of days of my married life? I know I cannot look my best on each day, hell I will look my worst in them too. Trust me, it is okay!

But for some reason I cannot bring myself to buckle down under this pressure. I do not wish to turn my wedding day into a beauty pageant. Did you know that these makeup type bigwigs charge a good 30-40 thousand rupees for a day's makeup. For real! Because they airbrush gold dust on your face and later serve you diamond fritters on a platinum platter to choke on.

Oh wait we do not have any of that 40 grand left. You know why? Because we bought the most comfortable mattress and bed with it and still had enough money remaining to take a trip to Dharamsala and back. And I will get to sleep on that comfy bed each day including the night of the wedding, obviously after having washed off that gold dust from my face. Yes that is marriage!

There I have my answer:

Marriage > Wedding

#1 The wedding lehenga

Bad pictures are epic!

So there is a wedding budget and then there is a wedding lehenga budget. We are Punjabi brides, we don't wear a saree on our wedding day. HOW DARE YOU?
I was asked to keep a lac and above separately only for the wedding lehenga. Or like they say for a North Indian bride, your wedding dress can be any colour as long it is red.

"How can you not spend (waste) a meagre 50k on the wedding lehenga?"
"What kind of a girl are you if you don't shell out an outrageous amount for your wedding dress?"
"No red or maroon lehenga????? Chheeee blasphemous! How can you even live with yourself?"

There were these few remarks and then there were saleswomen who would ask me to leave their store because I hadn't chosen a RED LEHENGA for MY own wedding!

True story:
Me: "Ye sab jewellery mein to maroon stones hain, can I have some other colour?"
Saleswomen: "Arrey red ke alawa aur kya hoga? Aapka lehenga bhi to red hain na."
Me: "Nahi actually, it is pink and ..."
Saleswoman: *shuts all jewellery boxes and turns away like I never existed*
Me: Forgive me lord for I have sinned!

Dare to take #TheRedDare?

If you have been browsing Facebook, Twitter and Instagram lately, I am sure you must have come across #TheRedDare. So did I! Now the obvious question was, what is #TheRedDare? 

I am here to tell you a little bit about this challenge. Dental hygiene is a very basic yet an important part of life. Yet most people tend to brush it off from their discussions, quite literally! So how do you start a conversation around dental hygiene? How do you make people understand its importance or the lack of it? I will tell you the problem with this approach, nobody likes to be told what to do especially when it comes to their personal space. 

Therefore, Dabur’s idea is brilliantly simple. Yes, #TheRedDare! #TheRedDare is a fun challenge by Dabur which delivers the message in a very subtle way. I was nominated by a friend on Twitter to take up the dare.

#TheRedDare Package

So to complete the dare, this is what you got to do: 

1. Send a WhatsApp message to +91 9910818814 to get your own #TheRedDare box 
2. Inside the box there will be 7 Dare Cards and a Dabur Red toothpaste 
3. You choose any number of dares out of the locations 
4. You film yourself BRUSHING YOUR TEETH using the toothpaste from the box in the unlikeliest of public places 
5. In the video you nominate 7 of your friends to take up #TheRedDare 

By the way, I have completed my #TheRedDare. I chose Dare #2 ‘Brush at a bus stop’. And here is the video of me actually brushing my teeth at a bus stop. The best thing about the dare was the people’s reactions when they saw me brushing. Now one doesn’t see too many people brushing their teeth in a public place. 

Check out the video to see it for yourself. 

If you want to take up the challenge, just WhatsApp on +91 9910818814 to get your own #TheRedDare box or just tweet to @DDC_India to know more. Trust me it was a lot of fun! Also, I have nominated 7 of my friends for the #TheRedDare on Twitter. 

Sajid Khan knows you’re a Dumbass!

If you're one of those, whose check-ins look like this:

"week end funn wit mah hubby - was watching Humshakals at DT Moronica Cineplex."

You should know that this genius director, brother of the director who *ehmmm* directed *coughs* Tees Maar Khan, is SAJID KHAN. And he already KNOWS that you're a dumbass! Do not be surprised. Your secret is out. He figured it out years ago.

Let me take you through his journey from Witty to Shitty. Over a decade ago, he hosted this unconventional, ground-breaking show on television 'Kehne Mein Kya Harz Hai'. The show was about him nitpicking on typical Bollywood formulas, over-acting or what he would laughingly refer to "Hamming" and his insanely hilarious critique on how our films and logic cannot see.

(hahahahahahaha classic!) 

Anyways, his wikipedia page reads: Khan is famous for making atypical cringe-worthy Bollywood movies.His movies are famous for illogic,racist,toilet humour which has a small but notable fan-base in india.

He knows that no matter you may be an IIT & IIM alumnus, you may be a globetrotter who gets dinner invitations from the likes of Dalai Lama and you own a mansion on Malabar Hill, you are still a Dumbass! 

After his television show ended, he completed his research in the 'Dumbassery of the Bollywood Audience'. This research empowered him with this unstoppable energy to dish out platters of crap with every "comedy" "film" he releases. He knows you will enjoy all the toilet humour, sexism, racism, illogical plot lines, irrelevant characters, vulgar dance moves and aged actors peeking into barely there skirts. Other filmmakers take the audience's brains for granted, but Sajid Khan tailors his magnum opuses to suit your undying stupidity. 

His films do well because you are a dumbass. And you are a dumbass, that's why he makes them. Oh bura laga? Arrey kehne mein kya harz?

What Perfect World?

Where is the world that we thought existed in the deep corners of our imagination?

Lost prose, faded polaroid, dusty books, rusty film.

It lived, it existed in our thoughts and dreams, it was a part of our lonely curriculum of words, lines and colour. 

That world was made up of bits of memories, wants and Nostalgia. 

It happened, it is gone, buried. In a stash of smiles, laughter, smirks or tears.

Nostalgia is a pain equal to a low jab into the stomach, leaving you gasping for breath.

Nostalgia is redundant, it is reprehensible and worse than dreams.

Dreams give you hope, Nostalgia brings yearning.

We yearn for that perfect world which was supposed to exist but doesn’t.

Is there an antidote, a cure, an answer to that desire?

But if that world came alive today, will you cherish it? Will you stop complaining?

Will you accept its flaws or worse will you stop finding flaws in it?

O Human, you wish for a perfect existence but you the epitome of imperfections, you will never let it exist; for you O unhappy one, you will, in a selfish stride, not tend to it and find solace in the gloom of its ashes!