Weight and Watch - Then, now and later

LOSE WEIGHT NOW, TELL ME HOW. 

I have for the past few years struggled immensely with my weight. Most of my 20s, to my surprise, I have been put under such scrutinizing scanners. Just for all records, I am not a model/actress/popstar/stewardess/pageant wannabe. Yet I have borne the brunt of this constant weight gain and the comments that came flooding along with it since the time I finished school. These varied from the juvenile leg-pulling by friends and family members to spiteful jibes and insults, even from strangers. From random auditions to making the cut for internet videos, everyone I met or didn't would spite my "chubby" face, and deem me unfit for the precious screen. I learnt to take it in my stride, though disappointed. However, thanks to a few people or my "support circle" who helped me keep it together, they didn't let me get affected with this constant flak and they balanced my life, making it a bitter sweet series of experiences. For most part, I have never thought of myself as a mirror-cracking beauty but rather someone who can think and has the ability to discern and comprehend life better than most. Yet with wit and reason there is also weakness in emotion. 

But more than a narcissistic blog (which in essence it is), I want to delve into the larger issue here. Because as far as I remember, I wasn't always this over-weight. I was a skinny child and an extremely athletic teenager. My life revolved around sports, dance and books. Food, alcohol, drugs, partying, socialising were never a part of my world. Shy and socially awkward, I could never understand as to why people thought I was too skinny, too pale, too worn out, too ugly. They never made any efforts to hide these scathing and hurtful opinions about me which eventually turned me into a depressed, introverted and suicidal teenager. Even being thin was a sin! I never got it.

"Chain of Unhappiness" as I call it, is the tendency we all have where we dump our own unhappiness on to others especially when we are sure they will not give it back to us. They in turn dump their same inadequacies on to another person. Thus a chain of unhappiness is formed! More on this in the upcoming blog...

I am still advised to not pay attention to people who criticize me at only one level, my weight. However I see it this way and ask you to visualize. Someone with a very blunt knife tries to cut you open. It doesn't hurt, there is barely a scar. But then when a handful of people use the same blade in the same place, it begins to scar and hurt. And when about a thousand people continue to shear your skin with the same blunt knife over and over again, you will bleed and you will cry of excruciating pain. If this metaphor beats you, then may your Lord help you for you will be crushed by your own peers!

Of course, this pressure, this "weight"age on appearances, this skewed you-have-to-be-thin-to-be-beautiful body image are all societal gifts, notions which you HAVE TO adhere to. Addressing my own problem on the same premise, the "lose weight fast" had become a rallying phrase of my life 7 years ago only. Nothing changed, I lost confidence and gained, more kilos every year. Innumerable fruitless attempts of grueling gymming, crash dieting, stretching, fasting and whatever I could in my capacity, I admit I failed. Though in all honesty it is nobody's business to judge, care or comment on how my body looks. I have fallen prey to the jaws of familial and peer pressure, where I thought I was profound.

3 months ago I began working out in the gym again, intensively. I began to see results and had started feeling good within just a weeks. 2 months ago however, after suffering for a whole week of unimaginable pain in my thigh joint, I was diagnosed with a hip joint infection which in fact was this Sciatica nerve related pain. This affects one's back, thigh, leg, joints, muscles, bones everything that you are made of. Medication and complete bed rest was prescribed. Immobility and dependency had creeped in. During this time I thought, a lot and realised, I would gain more weight than ever, with absolutely no option of exercise even a little. The journey to the doom began. The nightmares will be relived. Still been asked not to exert myself for precautionary reason, do you think anyone who wants to make jaded remarks would stop for one second to think of possible reasons behind the weight? Nobody does! However, I am better equipped this time to take more insult and slander (more self-pity). 

In conclusion, all I see is that the problem is at the surface, quite literally!

Then: 2006-07     Now: 2012-13